Cougars Still Descend on Superior Grill for Cinco De Mayo in Record Numbers Regardless of Global Pandemic

Kip Fielding Crayfish

Superior Grill has long been lauded as a place to get drunk, eat some chips and salsa, and wake up regretting the last 12-24 hours – often attracting single, middle-aged women to drop by for happy hour before going back home to their two cats, but this Cinco De Mayo is expected to result in a record turnout despite a stay at home order due to coronavirus.

“I’ve never seen anything like this in my life. Franzia’s premiere box wine, Chillable Red, has been sold out for weeks. Combine that with the stay at home order, and you have a recipe for disaster.” says Shreveport’s chief cougarologist Keith Teeter. “With patios at restaurants opening back up, we could be seeing another large-scale pandemic – what experts are now calling Cougar-19.”

For those who wish to brave the night in search of taco tuesday deals on Cinco de Mayo, it is advised that patrons wear masks and fedoras at all times – the two things that have been known to keep cougars at bay. If possible, restrict your diet to chimichangas and fireball in order to be seen as less viable prey. Superior Grill has taken measures this year to prevent a full scale cougar invasion again, offering a “Curbside Cougar” meal, which consists of 5 gallons of margaritas and one quesadilla. Scientists are doubtful it will have a meaningful impact.

“This new wave of cougars are more agile than usual given the circumstance.” Keith explained, “When you see white SUVs in clusters, we advise that you keep a distance of at least 20ft unless you want to be preyed upon like a pool boy at a country club. Isolation has pushed these cougars to the edge; margs in hand, these are apex predators in this pandemic environment.”