New Socialist-Themed Distillery To Open In Downtown Shreveport, Comrades Everywhere Rejoice

Kip Fielding Crayfish 0 Comments

Starting in 2020, those visiting Downtown Shreveport can redistribute their wealth at the hottest new deal of the decade. Every Man A King Distillery, themed after the far-left Democratic Former Governor Huey P. Long and his novel socialist policies, is set to open at the old Arlington Hotel on Cotton Street. Reception of the announcement has been universally praised, owing to Louisiana’s long history as a base of left-wing, liberal politics.

“I prefer the term “populist”, but yeah, Huey Long is a personal hero of mine and I am glad to see his history on display in Shreveport,” said local agrarian T-Boy Sepulvado, “He believed in giving back to the people, a very charitable and Christian man if you ask me.”

Spirits to include “Share Our Wheat” 1x distilled vodka, “Every Man A Whis-King” bourbon whiskey, and “The KingPhish” featuring a CBD infused Rum. An outdoor patio area is also planned for customers to enjoy entertainment such as local bands and taking back the means of production from the banks that bleed us dry while enjoying record profits. To round out the experience, a French cuisine restaurant will feature traditional dishes such as bread and gruel.

“We believe it’s important to have representation, especially in a red state such as ours,” discussed the leader of the Shreveport Bossier Communist (SBC) party Petrov Borscht, “while we condemn the use of currency and business transactions in general, we recognize Every Man A King as a sort of vanguard distillery that will usher in a new age. Plus we like alcohol, so.”

The interior decor will be modeled as a modern take on a 1920’s prohibition speakeasy. The traditional hammer and sickle have been replaced with a Craftsman drill and ratchet set plaque that greets comrades as they enter. McCarthy-era spies will “infiltrate” the bar area, and police raids will be a weekly feature.

The distillery is set to open in time for New Years 2020, but let’s be honest. Future plans will include opening up random businesses in the distillery itself. The city promises that parking will “absolutely” be an issue.

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