SHREVEPORT, LA. – In the past week, the State Health Department has discovered brain-eating amoebas in the Shreveport drinking water supply. In a press conference on Wednesday, Amoebologists announced the organism has migrated to Shreveport due to a lack of proper hosts in Bossier City. Shreveport’s endless supply of proper, high-functioning brains provides the perfect environment for the amoebas to reproduce and thrive, warns the CDC.
Shreveport residents are reportedly not surprised.
“The amoebas need a very intelligent, highly folded brain meat in order to reproduce properly,” Amoeba and Frasier Scientist Kassandra Alex explains. “Many Bossier City residents have what we call a ‘smooth brain’ and the amoebas have a lot of trouble with that environment. It’s like playing hide and seek in a K-Mart parking lot – no where to hide.”
Bossier, renowned for its shit-tasting water, was not prepared for the amoeba migration from Desoto Parish. In early October, the city water supply for Bossier City tested positive for a strain of brain-eating amoeba. This prompted the city to flood the water system with Faygo and Mountain Dew to help flush out the IQ of Bossier City residents to fight the organisms. Kid Rock CDs and BOGO coupons to Applebees were also mailed to residents for good measure. Bossier officials claim the water is “perfectly safe to drink” and asks citizens to get a good 16 glasses of water a day.
“GOO,” proclaimed Bossier City resident and former chef Tony Filet.
Bossier Parish is now dumping lethal amounts of chlorine into the water supply to speed the amoeba’s extinction, as well as exterminating 30% of its own citizens.
“The amoebas are highly versatile and easily transmittable,” Kassandra Alex discusses, “This sort of situation can happen, for instance, when a Centenary graduate orders a craft cocktail at a sports bar in Bossier. The creatures detect a higher life form, and aerosolize whenever the Cowboys score a touchdown. Suddenly, their Old-Fashioned is now a Sazerac and the country music at Big Country doesn’t sound half as bad.”
Healthologists are not too concerned, however, as contact with the drinking water is minimal. This is due in large part to Shreveporters’ “Red River Diet” consisting mostly of mimosas and La Croix sparkling water. The CDC urges Shreveport citizens to bring their water to almost a boil and seep for 6 minutes for a proper tea. City of Shreveport officials have proposed plans to charge for non-amoeba water as a way to raise revenues without raising taxes.