City officials were shocked to find all of City Hall on cinder blocks Monday morning, reporting that it’s forward momentum had been stolen. Grainy video footage from outdated surveillance cameras the night before revealed very little evidence, save one potential culprit, a blurry figured dubbed “Some Guy”.
As crime remains a focal point for many Shreveporters, citizens are looking to the government for guidance in curtailing the perceived problem, yet most answers seem heavy on rhetoric, but light on genuine solutions. Even worse, most responses seem to shrug off responsibility entirely. “[Crime] isn’t really a problem like people think. See here, armed robbery has gone down from 15 to 13 this month when compared to last year. We’ve got this crime thing figured out, people just believe what they want to believe. Perception is reality,” one official tells The Crayfish as he applied a tourniquet to his leg.
“The city is in maintenance mode right now. Perhaps if citizens were paying for the millions of gallons of water they were using, which we totally and clearly have on record as definitively being used, perhaps we’d have the money to fix these issues. Frankly, this is the citizens’ fault, if you ask me,” says Councilman Larry Steele off the record, “Besides, this is something the police should be dealing with.”
We attempted to contact the police station for comments, but were only left with the response: “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this shit.”
“We’ve seen this happening more and more frequently in Louisiana cities. ‘Some Guy’ appears to be hitting towns rich with history and talent, and unsurprisingly most of it ends up in Texas,” explained FBI agent Michael Scarn, assigned to the case after local police took a phone number and said they’d probably look into it.
Some citizens have decided to take the matter into their own hands. Neighborhood associations and other grassroots efforts to combat crimes have been increasingly effective in preventing crime in the short term, while addressing poverty and working towards increased educational opportunities being the effective long term solution. However, forward momentum is fleeting even at these levels.
“Most people don’t realize that forward momentum is a valuable commodity. Most stolen forward momentums end up in bigger cities where it sold for a lot more than they’re worth here,” discussed metaphysicist and sociologist Lance Tarley.
City Hall plans to relocate operations temporarily to Fair Grounds Field until new forward momentum arrives in Shreveport, expected date 2035. Police overtime is now considered “community service” and will be awarded with gold stickers instead of cash.
The Crayfish office is currently littered with summer news blurbs and bill notices as staff return from 18-month vacation. Please go vote this fall.