SHREVEPORT, LA. – The local-business-destroying behemoth, Wal-Mart, announced Saturday that it is renovating its handicap zones to accommodate areas where citizens may legally resolve issues with violence via “Dueling.”
In response to issues of violent crime in Shreveport, Shreve City Wal-Mart has decided the best way to solve the problem is to provide safe, legally-gray areas to allow its customers to duel. Where the handicap parking zones previously existed, small markers on the ground guide the duelist to their respective ends, and Tide clothing pens and small hand towels provided from dispensers.
“I thank [sic] this is a brilliant move,” explained local shopper Cletus Deftwork, “It is clear the citizens have a need to express their second amendments rights in a safe and organized manner. Wal-Mart is the last bastion of my basic civil rights, and I will shop here until I die.”
Questions surrounding collateral damage have been raised, since the dueling zones are close to the store’s entrances. In response, Wal-Mart has promised the erection of large magnets to catch stray bullets and louder in-store music to distract from the sound of the gunshots. Others have pleaded on behalf of the handicapped and elderly who highly value and need the assistance the parking zones provided, but a muted tirade about bureaucracy, Obama-era regulation and a stifled economy shut down the discussion among critics.
“It’s truly a one-stop shop now, what other place offers grocery pick-up and dispute resolution, asks Flat-Earth theorist Mary Anne Biltony. “Before I used to have to solve my second amendment issues in front of Rite-Aid or literally anywhere else in Shreveport, so it’s just a good thing Wal-Mart is helping us out.”
As of writing, 325 civil disputes have been resolved peacefully and in a safe manner. Bodies of those slain during duels are respectfully placed in Yeti coolers until the remains can be picked up or be turned into fertilizer in the gardening department. Local hospitals report higher than average earnings in their trauma department, spurring increased hiring of nurses, resulting in elevated Diet Coke sales across the city.