SHREVEPORT, LA. – Earlier today, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement announcing an epidemic that has infected hundreds in the Shreveport-Bossier City region – Mudbug Madness.
Festival plaza has been deemed ground zero for the disease; the CDC warns anybody traveling towards downtown Shreveport to avoid this area at all costs. In the event of a mass hysteria, Sportspectrum will be sponsoring a mass evacuation 5k that finishes outside of the danger zone. The area will be cordoned off over the course of 4 days to ensure a proper quarantine of the disease.
Classified as a stage 4 neurotic disease, Mudbug Madness typically spreads via freshwater crustaceans. On occasion, aerial transmission via the hot gas inside of Dallas Cowboys fans has been observed. In large groups of people, infection can be almost instantaneous, often leading to occasional outbreaks every year during the crawfish season. Country and zydeco music has been shown to help alleviate symptoms, but more research is needed to confirm this.
“Mudbug Madness is always a possibility, but I haven’t seen anything like this,” Says local crawfish vendor Buddy Jayreaux of Mobile Outhouse Crawfish, “It’s crazy. We still out here charging $4 a pound for crawfish and people are stupid enough to buy them. Selling out every day, I tell you what. Maybe it’s something in the water.”
The FDA is currently fast-tracking a Mudbug Madness antidote, setting up headquarters across the street from Morris and Dickson to fuck with them a little while in town. Beer is the most effective medium for administering the medication. Over the course of Memorial Day weekend, volunteers will be at festival plaza administering hundreds of gallons of the antidote, dubbed “Miller RX”.