SHREVEPORT, LA. – As summer in Shreveport approaches, love is in the air – along with pollen, mosquitoes, and the clap (among others). Doctors in northwest Louisiana are doing all they can to warn sexually active residents about the dangers of unprotected sex, and clear up some of the myths that put people at the highest risk.
The cooties vaccine, Circle Circle, Dot Dot (CCDD), has been used for decades to protect children from the now-eradicated Cooties Virus. The vaccine has long been thought to also protect from sexually transmitted diseases according to the country’s brightest 2nd Grade doctors, meaning many parents continue to have their kids vaccinated for the beneficial side effects. “One of my recess girlfriends had the cooties, I think. I got the Circle Circle, Dot Dot shot as soon as I could! She had chiggers, too, and I didn’t get even one of them! That shot protects you from everything,” says Turner Elementary 3rd Grader Aiden Pepper.
It’s no surprise then that this belief has carried over for most Shreveporters well into adulthood. “I’m a health nut – I run twice a month and use body wraps, so I’m pretty informed on all the latest health issues,” says Shreveport real estate agent Victoria Watts. “I had the Circle Circle, Dot Dot cooties shot anyway, because I recognize there are dangers to my health.”
That all changed when Victoria said she had her first run-in with syphilis. “It was bad enough I got syphilis once and got vaccinated again, but once I contracted it for the 79th time in a year, I thought maybe something is wrong. I can’t be on the mend at home when Bear’s and Strange Brew having movie trivia 6 times a week. I need to be out there in case there are any questions related to The Notebook.”
But area doctors are now saying the once-trusted vaccine may not be enough. “Could you people try condoms or something for once before sleeping with some stranger you met at Chicago,” asks Doctor Fred Garner. “Sexually transmitted diseases should not be treated like Pokémon. Syphilis does share some similarities with fire-type Pokémon, but you want to avoid it if at all possible. Think of it like golf – the fewer, the better.”
Dr. Garner had more advice to keep residents safe. “There are some weird misconceptions about STDs here, so I may as well tell you those as well, even though no one listens to me. You cannot drink an STD to death. Stop spraying Lysol on your genitals, it only makes things worse. The Circle Circle, Dot Dot does not do anything, it’s just some stupid kid game. You’d have better success avoiding STDs by avoiding people who are wearing Axe body spray,” says Dr. Garner.
Residents, however, are not completely convinced. “Sounds a bit like a prude, if you ask me,” says one Shreveport resident. “We are number one, so of course, here come the haters. I’m still going to bring the ruckus to the ladies each weekend and no ‘doctor’ is going to tell me otherwise. They say we are losing [by having a high rate of STDs], but if we have the most, then that sounds like a win to me. It’s all about perspective.”