BATON ROUGE, La. – State legislators voted this morning to defund all of LSU Health Shreveport, in part due to a belief by South Louisiana lawmakers that the medical school is actually in Arkansas instead of Louisiana. The bill was voted on successfully despite several red flags, including second grade level geography knowledge and the obvious purple and gold “LSU” logo on the school’s website that is strikingly similar to the one on Tiger Stadium visible from the State Capitol.
The bill, titled “Screw Pig Sooie” and authored by Rep. Bobby Boudreaux of Baton Rouge, includes a clause to “quit giving all that welfare money to that mouth breathing mountain state north of Alexandria”. Political analysts say the combination of Cajun xenophobia with North Louisiana apathy led to the bill being passed without anyone correcting the misconception.
“This is a great day for the state of Louisiana,” said Boudreaux, “with those Razorback fans up at LSU Health Shreveport squandering all our hard-earned money to make Arkansas doctors, you’d expect Arkansas to give use something back in return. What have they given us? Hot spring water and a couple of Clintons? The buck stops here.”
Boudreaux also added that the cuts would be so significant that Louisiana could use the money build a medical school of its own in a medically and economically underserved part of the state. “I’m thinking ‘LSU Health Baton Rouge’ has a nice ring to it. Nothing says Louisiana more than ‘LSU’ and the purple and gold, know what I mean? Lord knows it takes me a 12-minute drive if I want to get decent healthcare otherwise.”
News of the bill has brought a shockwave of devastation through the Shreveport community, anxious about the possibility of physicians taking their talents elsewhere. Ladies in the South Highlands Neighborhood Facebook Group are particularly worried that all the doctors moving out will lead to a decrease in their mansions’ property value. Local middle and high schools are also bracing for a huge drop in the number of overachieving nerds that LSU doctors tend to raise.
LSU Health Chancellor G.E. Ghali has been working tirelessly to find funds to prevent the school from going under. Current ideas include opening a “Syphilis’ Club” to sell syphilis shots by the bulk. Others have suggested starting a sponsorship campaign with Great Raft to sell a line of beers to raise money for the school. Possible beer names include “Reasonably Chlamydia”, “Infarction IPA”, and “Southern Drawl Due to Massive Stroke”.