SHREVEPORT, La. A good dash of gatekeeping was sprinkled at the Klinefelter household’s crawfish boil this past weekend when North Louisiana native and genuinely great guy Adam Klinefelter, 31, attempted to prepare traditional Louisiana cuisine in the presence of his obnoxiously Cajun South Louisiana buddy Rusty Thibodaux, 34, of Houma. Things went south when Thibodaux noticed ways in which Klineflter’s recipe was not real Louisiana cookin’ like his Papaw used to whip up down on Lafourche, and subsequently began making adjustments. The sheriff’s office says Klinefelter was critically dissed while many innocent bystanders were injured by the “spicy hot, not temperature hot” food that resulted.
The altercation began around 3PM, when authorities say Klinefelter attempted to begin preparing a traditional “jambalaya”, a type of porridge given to feed swamp people in their shotgun shacks, as part of a crawfish boil taking place at the residence. The recipe apparently sounded tasty enough to please both the simple palates of north Louisiana friends while also giving any bumbling Cajuns a reminder of back home, but Mr. Klinefelter was thoroughly unprepared for the amount of hubris South Louisianians could have about cooking.
“I was just trying to make something both tasty and authentic,” said Klinefelter, “just trying to please all my bros from ‘down on da bayou’, you know what I mean? I looked up the best recipe online from Pioneer Woman, and it sounded like a people pleaser that didn’t have too much fat or sodium. I thought people would appreciate a health-conscious approach to traditional Louisiana favorites.”
Witnesses say Mr. Thibodaux began sticking his head into the kitchen after noticing Klinefelter chopping celery, which experts say is a controversial ingredient for traditional jambalaya. Approximately 25 minutes into preparation, after Klinefelter added a can of tomatoes and a Zatarain’s seasoning packet to the dish, Thibodaux was observed asking his buddy to step aside while he added some mysterious voodoo powder called “Slap Ya Mama”, which roughly translates to “beat your mother” in traditional English. Some significant back-and-forth ball-breaking then occurred for approximately 90 seconds, ending with Thibodaux telling Klinefelter to go check on the boil while he worked on the “jamba” [sic]. Thibodaux then put on a tabasco apron, cracked open a fresh Abita Amber and cranked up a Wayne Toups album on his phone while thoroughly destroying what would have been a perfectly ok side dish.
“Da key to da coluh is da gratin,” mumbled Thibodaux this morning in an exclusive interview, “if ya do chicken breast, ain’t gonna get no gratin cause dey ain’t no fat. Don’t do tomatoes or celery neitha.”
South Louisianan Mandy Richard of Denham Springs, also present at the party, has been vocally critical of Thibodaux and wants all Shreveporters to know that most Cajuns are friendly people that you could chill and have a beer with without fear of your ego being damaged. “Plus Rusty was using tabasco… every real Cajun knows Louisiana Hot Sauce got da betta flava.”