Shreveport, LA – Just five months after Shreveport rejected a $130 million development plan for Cross Bayou, a new plan has emerged. The latest idea would require a public-private partnership in a 10,000-year, $497 x 10⁶⁰ gazillion development.
Similar to last year’s proposal, the new developer hopes to simultaneously woo the Los Angeles Lakers, New York Yankees and Dallas Cowboys to Shreveport and combine them into one multi-sport super team called the Los Dallas New Lankee Boys.
Also in the works for the development, according to a press report released Thursday:
- P.F. Chang’s with soy sauce fondu fountain and the ability to transport customers to China via Hyperloop
- Brand New Footlocker with a LeBron James clone as the manager
- A 900,000-student charter school that will rely only on money raised from bake sales for their entire annual budget
- A 5,000,000-unit mixed-use housing development that can house the entire nation of Panama
- A 400,000-seat coliseum used for gladiatorial combat events
- An entire new Shreveport, to replace the aging Shreveport
According to reports, the principal person behind the initiative is Dr. Douglas Evil — President and CEO of Virtucon Industries. Virtucon has holdings across the Universe. According to the press report, Dr. Evil also has ties to Louisiana.
“I tried to blow up Louisiana once,” Dr. Evil said. “With a giant friggin’ laser.”
The development – tentatively called Cross Bayou Point— is relying on a new generation of Shreveport residents wanting to return to live and work downtown.
“I always believed a Cross Bayou development would start with the private sector,” Dr. Evil said. “And I knew it would have to be a little bit evil. Buwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
Other proponents of the development have been publicly voicing the possibilities. Local real estate developer Larry Stephens, who was at the press conference Thursday, spoke about what the development could mean for Shreveport.
“It’s this thing called ‘agglomeration’,” he said, “Which is actually just a word we made up to use in this press release. This entire development will be, you know, agglomerated on Cross Bayou – which is great for Shreveport.”
Stephens continued by saying, “Look, we are throwing a lot of numbers at you, using big words most of the dullards don’t understand, but consider this: how can you know it will fail if we don’t even try? Huh? Bet you didn’t think about that.”
“We are thinking this thing could rival the 1990 version of South Park Mall. You know the one with Montgomery Ward and KB Toys? Basically that times a gazillion,” Stephens went on to say.
Stephens admitted that much of the project’s possibility hinges on enticing the Los Angeles Lakers, New York Yankees and Dallas Cowboys to move to Shreveport. When asked about the possibility of this, the teams issued a joint statement.
“While the idea of relocating to Shreveport is enticing, we do not believe at this time in would be in the best interest of our teams or our fan bases to do so. However, if Shreveport were to develop a huge and insanely expensive sports arena, that would totally change our minds.”
Dr. Evil recently met with city and state leaders including Shreveport Mayor Ollie Tyler.
“The future of Shreveport is exciting,” Mayor Tyler said. “Dr. Evil has a bold vision for this area and we will do what we can to help bring this vision to fruition. And this time around, we are going to be completely transgender with the public during the entire process.”
At the press conference, Mayor Tyler was asked about funding the city’s part of the development.
“As many of you know, this is a big financial commitment for the city of Shreveport,” Tyler said. “Sometimes you have to invest to earn future rewards. I believe this. That’s why at this very moment we have a whole team of city accountants trying to figure out exactly how many zeroes are in $497 x 10⁶⁰ gazillion. We are committed to getting it right.”
Formal negotiations are a long way off and many hurdles have to be cleared before Cross Bayou Point becomes a reality. In the meantime, the behind-the-scenes work begins to convince residents of Shreveport to support a Cross Bayou development this time around.
“It’s going to be difficult to pull this off when practically everyone opposes it,” Dr. Evil said. “But I believe we can find a way. Buwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”