Shreveport, LA – A local golden retriever named Duke was upset yesterday afternoon by the sounds of a strange new human emanating from the front of the house. Duke’s owner Natasha Heldman sequestered the good boy in a rear bedroom where he listened helplessly as the sounds of a deep unknown voice filled the home on Slattery Boulevard.
Heldman put Duke in the back bedroom out of precaution.
“He really hates it when people he doesn’t know come over,” she said. “Especially Comcast. The Comcast guy said he would be here between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. and he showed up at like 4:55. So Duke’s been in there a while. I seriously hope he doesn’t chew up anything.”
In 2012, when he was still a puppy, Duke spent all morning in the bedroom when a carpenter came to do some structural repairs on the Heldman’s elegant front staircase.
“I felt bad leaving him in there for so long,” Heldman said. “But the staircase really needed work. It’s a super important part of the décor – the natural ability of the wood to add warmth and texture to the room is a real selling point.”
Yesterday, occasional growls and woofs could be heard coming from under the bedroom door while local Comcast employee Captain Zeddicus “Walk-the-Plank” Lockwood worked behind’s the Heldman’s television.
“Ye hear about it all the time,” Captain Lockwood said, pausing his work. “Angry dogs, fiercely protecting their kingdom with a volley of barks and growls. It’s in their DNA really – fiercely territorial wolf-dogs whose very primal essence is descended from the Wild Ones.”
“A dark, stirring wildness within,” the white-bearded Lockwood continued, gazing wistfully down the hallway while smoke from his tobacco pipe slowly encircled the embroidered gold nautical emblem and shiny black brim of his skipper hat.
“They’re driven by an insatiable lust for power and dominance. A vengeful thirst slaked only by blood and the knowledge that the forlorn enemies at the gate shall be vanquished, cast forever into the great Nothingness beyond the front door.”
Lockwood’s head reared back as a hefty laugh bubbled from under the white locks of his beard.
“Are you sure you work for Comcast?” Heldman asked nervously, backing slowly toward the kitchen.
As of 7 p.m., Duke was still in the bedroom, but Heldman hoped the repairman would be gone soon.
“I honestly have no idea what Captain Whosits is doing but he better hurry,” Heldman said, angrily glancing at her watch and softly patting Duke on the head. “I’m supposed to meet friends at Superior’s Steakhouse. Seriously, I can’t believe this. Uuuuuuugh.”