Krewe of Gemini to Throw Biodegradable Anal Beads Amid Complaints of Breads in Trees, on Powerlines

Dax LaCray Lifestyle 0 Comments

SHREVEPORT, La. – The Krewe of Gemini has finished their review of the past year’s Mardi Gras and the findings are startling. The Krewe’s independent review board found that there were approximately 15 thousand beads strewn along power lines along the Krewe’s route after investigators ran the serial numbers of all beads left behind. By contrast, Krewe of Centaur beads accounted for only 7 thousand power line beads. Further, the Krewe was found to be responsible for the majority of beads in local flora along the same route – prompting backlash from Shreveport’s Green Party.
The beads on the power lines have caused several power outages and have played a role in the electrocution of 3 squirrels traveling along the lines. Residents along the route have been vocal in their opposition to the beads and now that the review board has published its findings, the residents, for the first time ever, know exactly which Krewe is to blame.
“It’s a real shocker,” says Kathy Bullingsworth, a Shreveport resident that lives along the parade’s route. “I want someone to be held responsible. How fitting that I can now blame Gemini, just like my ex-husband – typical! I come outside into my front yard and I take off my shirt and the best you can do is throw some beads into my trees and along the power line? Are you kidding me? It’s time we got real about this, if I’m getting naked, the least you can do is hook me up with a set of beads that cost around a penny to produce. Time is working against me, show a modicum of respect,” Kathy says.
Environmental activists also took issue with the use of the traditional, plastic beads. “The beads thrown by the Krewe of Gemini do not naturally decompose. When you see those beads stuck in a majestic and proud magnolia tree, that tree has to wear those beads forever. The trees cannot talk, so we must be their voice,” Green Party public relations officer Bud Buchanon says. “These trees did not ask for your beads, they didn’t abruptly remove their leaves to show you their curvy trunks. It would be the equivalent of giving you a tattoo that you didn’t want. They don’t deserve that,” Bud says.
The Krewe of Gemini set out to quell the maelstrom of hate that came as a result of their beads and settled on a solution that has citizens excited for the next parade. “We didn’t want to lose out on throwing beads that make the parades so memorable, but we knew that any loop design may get hung on power lines or trees, so that really limited our choices. We’ve opted for the more discreet anal beads, as these are rigid enough to bounce off the power lines, not get hung on branches, and have some practical and frankly fun uses,” Mick Breaux, Krewe of Gemini spokesman tells us.
“We understand that the beads may still get lost in some nooks and crannies and may not be immediately found. That’s why, in coordination with the Green Party, we have developed a sort of environmentally friendly paper mache anal bead that will disintegrate in the rain. This is truly innovation when you consider that we haven’t changed bead designs in our whole illustrious history,” says Mick.
For now, the city will have to wait until the next parade to enjoy the new beads, though initial reporting has been universally positive. “What a pleasant surprise this change is,” says resident Barbara Lintz, “when I first heard of the change, I was apprehensive, but after mulling it over I think I like it even better than the regular beads. I’m really excited about next year.”
Krewe of Centaur has indicated that they will not change their beads until the success or failure of the Gemini beads can be measured. Regardless, the change has invigorated the city and may have sparked some tension between the two, major parades; perhaps reigniting the 2012 conflict between Gemini and Centaur, which has been under a ceasefire after a peace treaty was signed over margaritas at El Chico.
What are your thoughts on Gemini’s new beads?

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