SHREVEPORT, La. – It’s that time of year again – king cake flavored everything, the drunken hoards rambling along East Kings and Shreveport-Barksdale, the Illuminati emerging from their holes to prance about as Krewe royalty. One new tradition has been gaining traction this year among millennials in Shreveport – Tide Pod boils. With crawfish prices expected to stay high throughout the season, the cheap and delicious alternative known as the “forbidden fruit” among enthusiasts is being boiled in place of crawfish at parties and family gatherings.
“For us, it started a few years ago when my boy Dale tried to prank us by putting a whole bag of Pods in our boil,” said local man Gert Samson, “To our surprise, it was actually extremely delicious. The Tide Pods absorb the seasoning very well and the texture ends up being very similar to crawfish meat.”
Despite the repeated health warnings from Tide and Gronk, Shreveportians seem unfazed by the deadly consequences of boiling and eating toxic substances. Thousands of Tide Pods have been consumed this season while emergency health 911 calls have maintained their seasonal average, confounding the Shreveport medical community
“Years of drinking water contaminated with brain eating amoebas could explain why people here are able to eat Tide Pods in droves,” explained holistic biologist Megan Ryke, “We really don’t know. As they say, laissez les bon Tide rouler.”
The economic consequences of Tide Pod boils is been a boon for the decling economy of Shreveport. It’s reported that hundreds of jobs have been been created in the retail sector, particularly in the cleaning supply and pharmacy sections of stores such as Walmart. Bars and restaurants have also been catching on, with unique Tide Pod inspired cocktails and pizza chain Johnnys offering a “Sweep the Laundry Room” specialty pizza.
Tide Pod season ends around April and is expected to maintain a $3 a pound through the season. Please do not be dumb enough to eat Tide Pods, as delicious as they may look.