SHREVEPORT, La. – Recently, the City of Shreveport and Mayor Ollie Tyler have announced their intentions to move forward with a $100 million sports arena, garnering universal praise from virtually everyone in the region. While the arena is designed to cater to the Pelicans, other groups are seeing this announcement as a lucrative opportunity for the community in general. In response to stagnant wages and back-pay, the Shreveport Police Department and the Shreveport Coalition of Teaching Professionals have formed their own G-league team in hopes that the city will actually give them the money they need to do their jobs.
“You know, being underpaid to teach standardized test materials all day to your kids is fun and all, but the bank says I can’t mortgage my house a fourth time. If Kobe Bryant can make it in the NBA, who’s to say we can’t make it in the G-leagues. Hitting threes pays the bills around here and I think I can shoot as well as LeBron Jordan,” explained 3rd grade teacher Alan Gumble.
The River Rats, named after the official animal of Shreveport – the nutria rat, expects to start training in the next couple weeks in preparation of the stadium completion. City projects in Shreveport are known for their speed and efficiency, so the team is expecting little time to prepare. Skeptics have argued that such a team is folly, that law enforcement and teaching professionals have no business on the court. Those in the know, claim otherwise.
“It’s a smart combination if you ask me. Us cops, we just all muscle, but these book learning types got the smarts you need to outmaneuver these b-ball chumps,” says Officer Chuck Dale. “We have a lot to learn from each other, but most importantly there’s a lot of money on the table. The City of Shreveport is dripping with cold hard cash, just look at my 1% raise in 30 years [adjusted for inflation] – it’s on par with a stonemason from 1912. Now, meet me on the court where I can cross you up,” Officer Dale says double dribbling down the court.
Mayor Ollie Tyler has implied approval of the team by winking on camera during the announcement. Her history as chief warlord of the Caddo Parish School Board, as well as her time as a double-agent on the police force gives her a personal reason for backing the new G-league team. From her grassroots campaign headquarters at the top of the petroleum club, Mayor Tyler has expressed her opinion repeatedly that she alone knows what’s best for the city; her approval will ultimately be needed for the River Rats to be successful.
Merchandise will be up for sale soon, with jerseys being available starting at $200 and a custom line of Air Jordan basketball shoes being released in support of the River Rats called ‘Shreezy’s.’ The team is holding tryouts for the official mascot Frank the Rat, and will be expected to dress as a nutria rat while carrying around a live nutria rat. Nutragrain has already signed on as a major sponsor of the team.
We will keep you abreast of all developments.