Broadmoor Established as Sanctuary Neighborhood for Petty Thieves

Dax LaCray Crayfish, Lifestyle 0 Comments

After long consideration, Broadmoor residents have finally established the city’s first Sanctuary Neighborhood. The new ordinance allows petty thieves to seek asylum in Broadmoor to prevent punishment from the city officials. “Once the city catches wind of a theft, it goes on record and the alleged thief will have to live with that for the rest of their lives. This limits employment options and restricts how active these people can be in the community. In turn, they turn to increased theft, which just perpetuates the cycle. We are going to break that cycle,” Broadmoor shadow governor Hal Terry says.

The new policy will allow petty thieves a sort of refuge from the city officials, but will not absolve the thieves from all responsibility. “The thieves will have to go on to at least two, separate neighborhood pages and write a sincere apology and promise not to steal anymore. A team of residents will review the sincerity, and if it passes review, the thief will begin the process of reintegrating back into society,” Hal says.

The Reintegration Headquarters is located on Patton Avenue in a 3 bedroom house owned by Hal Terry. Thieves will be housed and fed by Hal in return for their labor. Hal owns a local lawn service that thieves will work at for least 3 years. “I will give them a place to stay and a three-year supply of ham and cheese Lunchables. They will only be required to work for me for a few years. Seems like a fair deal to me,” says Hal. 

Thieves that violate the agreement with the neighborhood will be found in violation of ‘Hal’urabi’s Code which would sentence violators to a lifetime of labor at Hal’s Lawn Service and prohibit the eating of the Snickers Mini that would typically be provided in the Lunchable. ‘Hal’urabi’s Code is a strict set of laws that residents on Patton are familiar with, as Hal regularly issues proclamations about the code by bullhorn every Thursday at 2 AM and has on one occasion had his son dig a moat around the residence after his son was fired from Jill’s Gymnastics for skinny dipping in the foam pit. 

If you want Hal to do any yard work, and you are in the Broadmoor area, contact The Crayfish. “If you get me through The Crayfish, I can get your lawn sorted out for about 4 bucks. You can’t beat that,” says Hal.

What will this mean for the future of thieves in Shreveport?

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